Therapy Thursday: PPD, Exhaustion, or a New Normal?

I had my annual check-up yesterday, and when my doctor asked how I was doing, I broke down crying. Something I've been doing a lot. I told her my husband wanted me to talk about postpartum depression, and so we did. She also gave me a questionnaire/test--I was one point shy of "severe depression." So, she suggested I go to counseling, and she also gave me a prescription for Zoloft. However, I'm still nursing, and I plan on doing so for a year, so I'm not entirely comfortable taking meds just yet. So my question to myself is, am I really suffering from PPD, or is it just plain old exhaustion? Let me back up and explain my symptoms and history.

The first six weeks of C's life were great. I didn't feel like PPD would make an appearance, but I did have bouts of exhaustion and crankiness (what new mom doesn't?). The main source of my stress? Breastfeeding. I can't even tell you how many tears I shed over breastfeeding during those first six weeks. I will go into details about this in a later blog, but let's just say it was rough. I made it past the most difficult weeks, and now BF'ing is a breeze--mostly.

I was so proud of being a great new mom that enjoyed every minute with her baby girl, and then a traumatic event occurred (for me anyway). C developed a subgaleal hematoma six weeks after being vacuumed at birth. I seriously thought she was dying. It was the worst feeling in the world, and one of the scariest times in my life (the other being the day I thought I was miscarrying.) I became an uber paranoid mom after that day. I started obsessing over every little thing that could be wrong with her: Was that bump on her head there yesterday? Is her head shape normal? Does she have brain cancer? She hasn't pooped in four days, does she has neuroblastoma? My fears went on and on and on, and they still do. I can't stop worrying about her. Is this PPD, PPA, or Post Traumatic Stress? Or is it a normal reaction to what happened that day?

I thought it was normal until a few weeks ago. While eating out, Mr. McG's parents offered to fly us out to California to see our soon to be new nephew, and I straight up went into a panic attack. And then I started crying right there at the table. I should have been ecstatic to go on a free vacation to a state I've never been to before--all so we can meet the newest member of our family. Instead, I envisioned the plane crashing, or getting in a car wreck in California, or something bad happening to C in our hotel. My mind went crazy. That's when Mr. McG got really concerned about me.

However, I'm still inclined to think it's just exhaustion. Here's why: Baby girl has been getting up 2-3 times a night for the past three weeks. It's been absolutely horrible. She's 7.5 months now, so we thought that was long behind us. We thought wrong. I need my sleep. Seriously, I'm a crazy person without it. So, why would I want to start taking medicine that could get in my breast milk and get passed on to my baby girl if all I really need is sleep??

School is out now, baby girl is starting to sleep through the night again (we upped her food intake two days ago), and it's summer. I'm hoping I just need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. So Mr. McG and I are going to have a weekend devoted to just that.

I don't feel comfortable popping pills just because my doctor can prescribe them for me. It's a shame that depression medication is dispensed like candy now a days as a way to cope with feeling blue. (I totally understand that people do need medication, but I seriously doubt half the people taking anti-depressants really need them.) Hopefully sleep will make me feel better, and if it doesn't, then I'll fill my prescription and see a counselor. Actually, I might just see a counselor anyway. Mental floss is a good thing!

How to make a momma mad

I'm sure we all have one--an extended family member that plays favorites, and you aren't the one on the awesome end. It pisses you off. You then ignore it. But then something happens, and it pisses you off again. Well, today, my aunt pissed me off for the last time.

I should start with some back stories. My aunt (who's rich) completely plays favorites to my twin cousins, who are only two years younger than me. They go on vacation with her every year (she has a condo in Florida and they get to use it. My family? Not so much.), she's bought them Coach purses, and she's always doing things or getting things for them. Oh yeah, she even got them a car! I've just gotten bath towels for my wedding and she split my $70 pack n play with another aunt for my baby shower. Really, rich aunt?? So, yes, she totally plays favorites, and I'm sick of it.

Back in December, my aunts and cousins came over to my house to make Christmas cookies. Baby girl was just six weeks old, so I was completely exhausted. We also had a health scare with her just a couple days before: we took her to the ER for a head injury resulting from her being vacuumed at delivery...six weeks later! (More on that later, but let's just say I thought she was dying.) So needless to say, I was mentally and physically exhausted. They were supposed to arrive at 9, so I got up at 7. What time did they show up? 11!! Did they give me a courtesy call to say they'd arrive later? Of course not. They didn't even apologize! So I was pretty pissed. I'm a new mom, and sleep is very precious. I could have had two more hours of precious, precious sleep! I kept my cool for the most part until they did something that really ticked me off, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I kind of lost it. Like, I went bat shit crazy on their asses. I started crying, yelling, slamming doors....yeah, crazy. But remember I just had baby girl SIX weeks ago! Hormones were still raging. And I was sleep deprived.

So fast forward to yesterday. We went to a family function, and my aunt was there. She asked what was new with baby girl, and Mr. McG said that she's learned to scream. Rich aunt replied, "She takes after her mommy!" Hubby tried to ignore the rude remark by saying, "Yeah, she'll be a soprano like her mommy. Her screams get really high!" Aunt responds with, "Just like her mommy!" I. Was. Pissed! I rolled my eyes and walked away. Hubby left too. She also made a similar comment on Christmas Eve.

So I'm done trying to please this woman. I didn't do anything to her at all before my meltdown in December, and yet I was never on her good side. Whatever. My cousins can have her. She's the one that's bat shit crazy. As my mom (her sister) said after I told her what happened: "she's off her meds!"

You know you are tired when...

I washed a dirty disposable diaper last night.  Trying to do laundry while completely exhausted doesn’t really work apparently.

And I guess changing diapers in the middle of the night doesn’t work either because J put that diaper on the floor after he changed C.  The diaper genie didn’t have a refill in it, so the floor was the next best option.  Or so he says.

Put some dirty baby clothes on top of the dirty diaper, and when a completely exhausted mom does laundry, she’ll pick up everything and wash it all.  Even the dirty diaper.

My first week back at school has exhausted me….if you couldn’t tell.