Therapy Thursday: PPD, Exhaustion, or a New Normal?

I had my annual check-up yesterday, and when my doctor asked how I was doing, I broke down crying. Something I've been doing a lot. I told her my husband wanted me to talk about postpartum depression, and so we did. She also gave me a questionnaire/test--I was one point shy of "severe depression." So, she suggested I go to counseling, and she also gave me a prescription for Zoloft. However, I'm still nursing, and I plan on doing so for a year, so I'm not entirely comfortable taking meds just yet. So my question to myself is, am I really suffering from PPD, or is it just plain old exhaustion? Let me back up and explain my symptoms and history.

The first six weeks of C's life were great. I didn't feel like PPD would make an appearance, but I did have bouts of exhaustion and crankiness (what new mom doesn't?). The main source of my stress? Breastfeeding. I can't even tell you how many tears I shed over breastfeeding during those first six weeks. I will go into details about this in a later blog, but let's just say it was rough. I made it past the most difficult weeks, and now BF'ing is a breeze--mostly.

I was so proud of being a great new mom that enjoyed every minute with her baby girl, and then a traumatic event occurred (for me anyway). C developed a subgaleal hematoma six weeks after being vacuumed at birth. I seriously thought she was dying. It was the worst feeling in the world, and one of the scariest times in my life (the other being the day I thought I was miscarrying.) I became an uber paranoid mom after that day. I started obsessing over every little thing that could be wrong with her: Was that bump on her head there yesterday? Is her head shape normal? Does she have brain cancer? She hasn't pooped in four days, does she has neuroblastoma? My fears went on and on and on, and they still do. I can't stop worrying about her. Is this PPD, PPA, or Post Traumatic Stress? Or is it a normal reaction to what happened that day?

I thought it was normal until a few weeks ago. While eating out, Mr. McG's parents offered to fly us out to California to see our soon to be new nephew, and I straight up went into a panic attack. And then I started crying right there at the table. I should have been ecstatic to go on a free vacation to a state I've never been to before--all so we can meet the newest member of our family. Instead, I envisioned the plane crashing, or getting in a car wreck in California, or something bad happening to C in our hotel. My mind went crazy. That's when Mr. McG got really concerned about me.

However, I'm still inclined to think it's just exhaustion. Here's why: Baby girl has been getting up 2-3 times a night for the past three weeks. It's been absolutely horrible. She's 7.5 months now, so we thought that was long behind us. We thought wrong. I need my sleep. Seriously, I'm a crazy person without it. So, why would I want to start taking medicine that could get in my breast milk and get passed on to my baby girl if all I really need is sleep??

School is out now, baby girl is starting to sleep through the night again (we upped her food intake two days ago), and it's summer. I'm hoping I just need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. So Mr. McG and I are going to have a weekend devoted to just that.

I don't feel comfortable popping pills just because my doctor can prescribe them for me. It's a shame that depression medication is dispensed like candy now a days as a way to cope with feeling blue. (I totally understand that people do need medication, but I seriously doubt half the people taking anti-depressants really need them.) Hopefully sleep will make me feel better, and if it doesn't, then I'll fill my prescription and see a counselor. Actually, I might just see a counselor anyway. Mental floss is a good thing!

Don't talk about your winkle!

A couple of months ago, while we were standing in the check out line at BRU, I noticed the baby in front of us was playing with a Winkle. (If you have a 2-3 month old baby, go get one. Now! It's awesome.) I was so excited to see another baby with a winkle, so I told the mom, "Oh, my baby LOVES playing with her winkle!!" The mom looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and didn't say a word. She then inched her cart forward to get some distance in between us. I looked at Mr. McG and I was crushed. Why was this woman being so rude? The dad then came back and put a winkle, with tags on it, in the cart and took the tagless one away. So the one the baby had been playing with? Totally not theirs yet. So the mom had no idea that toy was called a winkle--thus thinking I was a perv. I was mortified! I was also disgusted they let their baby chew on a toy from a store without washing it first, and then return it back to the shelf.

Lessons learned from that trip: 1) Don't talk about your baby's winkle to other people without making it very clear what you are talking about, and 2) Don't let your baby suck or chew on anything straight from the store.

And here's a picture of C playing with her beloved winkle when she was three months old:

Hello There!

I guess I should properly introduce myself! This is a new blog, and I don't have any followers yet (boo!), but hopefully I'll get some soon. And when I do, I don't want you to think, "who the heck is this girl?!"

My name is Mrs. McG, hubby is Mr. McG (or J), and baby girl is C...or baby girl! I already have a family blog that covers the everyday and mundane stuff so our out of town family can keep up, but I wanted to create a more anonymous one so I can post stuff I don't really think family should (or would want!) to read.

I'm a teacher, and I'm trying to be the best mommy I can be to my 7 month old (gah, can't believe she's that old already!!). We practice attachment parenting. So I'm a breast feeding, co-sleeping (not bed sharing), baby wearing mamma who's also trying to cloth diaper....still new to that process though!

This blog will mostly be about my adventures, or misadventures, as a new mom, so sit back and enjoy the ride with me!

Ever feel like an inferior mom?

Man, I have a bad case of the inferior mom blues today. I'm sure every mom feels inferior to other moms at some point, and frankly, it's sad we feel this way. But, sometimes we just can't help how we feel. I talked to my SIL last night who is 30 weeks pregnant, and I just got off the phone thinking everything I've done or do is wrong. Here's my list:

1. She's planning a "natural, med free" birth at a birthing center, where pain killers aren't even an option. Hmm, I totally had pitocin, analgesics, and three doses of my epidural. Heck, I asked for pain meds before I could even get them! Bring it on! C's labor and delivery was rough. I will post more about that later, but after 25 hours of labor, I just wanted her out safe and sound--no matter what the method. For our next baby, I am totally considering a c-section after the experience (and recovery) I had. People probably judge me for this (her birthing center website has a video saying how c-sections are horrible and wrong), but I don't care. I still think I did the best I could with the labor and delivery I was given, but hearing other moms say they are going med free makes me feel like a wimp.
2. She's planning on cloth diapering and wiping because she'd feel guilty about polluting the planet every time she'd change a disposable diaper. Well, I can't say those thoughts have never crossed my mind while changing a disposable, but I guess I'm selfish. The time and effort put into cloth diapering seems crazy. And the runny poop that I'd have to wash and rinse off? Blech! Cloth diapering seems to be a cool thing to do now, and I feel like I'm wrong for not following suite.
3. She's going to be a stay at home mom. Ok, this is the one that kills me. (Hello?! Blog title, anyone?) Even though they really can't afford for her to stay home, she is. We can't really afford for me to stay home, so I work. I have the working mom guilt, and I'd give anything to stay home with my baby girl.

So there's the short list of why I feel inferior to my SIL. But hey, she's not even a mom yet!! All of this could change. You never know how labor and delivery will turn out, cloth diapering could turn out to be a pain in the but, and planning on staying home even though you barely have an income? Sounds good until you end up with no money.

I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm being the best mom I can be and that my baby girl is happy. Seriously, she's the happiest baby I've ever seen. We all have different situations and do things differently, but that doesn't mean our ways our wrong if they are different. I'm an awesome mom, and so are you!